Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Oh what to do?

I don’t normally talk a lot about my personal life and issues on my blog, but there has something that has been bugging me and I need to get it off my chest and get your opinion on it.

Back in January, I mentioned that a close friend had asked me to be in her wedding party (she was one of my bridesmaids) and I of course said yes! A few weeks later, her and her fiancé came to visit us for a weekend and while we were out shopping, we were talking about the wedding party. She made the comment to me that she had a hard time choosing between myself and another friend. I know the other friend, while we are not close, she is a really nice girl. I didn’t really say anything back to her when she said that, as I really wasn’t sure what the response was supposed to be. Since then, it has come up again, and I did not respond again.

Since the time of the comments, we have bought our bridesmaids dresses and made other wedding related plans. I will ask about her plans, but I find myself not being excited for the wedding or any of the wedding related events. Being a close friend, I should be excited for her and couldn’t quite put my finger on why I was feeling this way.

I’ve realized that her comments have left me feeling unwanted and that she was obligated to ask me to be in her wedding party as she was in mine. It has also made me feel awkward when thinking about the actual wedding day because all I can picture is how she really wanted the other girl in the wedding party, but that she felt like she HAD to ask me.

Now, here is what I don’t know what to do. Suck up the feelings that I am having and pretend to enjoy myself on the wedding day or do I mention it to her now? I really do want to be in the wedding party and don’t want to cause issues in our friendship, but I don’t enjoy feeling like this.

If you were in this situation, what would you do? Talk to your friend and if need be, give up the dress to the other girl and go on your merry way? If my friend says that she wants the other girl to be in the wedding party after consideration, I am okay with that. Sure it might be awkward at first, but to me, it’s better than being up there when she didn’t really want me in the first place.


21 comments :

  1. I would definitely say something. Especially if it's bugging you because you will not have fun at the wedding (or even before the wedding) thinking about it.

    Just tell her that you've been thinking about what she has said and that if she picked you only because she felt obligated, that you will give up the spot. It's her day, so it should be how she wants it. She might feel bad asking you and want it to be "your decision" - and that's why she's hinting.

    Or it could be just what she happens to be thinking about at the time. You never know but you definitely should find out.

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  2. I would also say something if it's bugging you! I would just say you are excited to be in her wedding but worry she only asked because she felt she had to? Let her know her comments hurt you and if she would rather her other friend take your place, you would be okay with that. I am sure no matter how she responds, it will clear the air and you can just enjoy the wedding day with her!

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  3. I have the opposite advice- I wouldn't say anything until after the wedding. You know how hard and emotional planning a wedding can be. Sometimes the strangest things can set you off. The dress is bought, she can't "back out" on you now, so you may as well wait until after. Of course- I'm saying this not knowing the dynamic between the two of you. Maybe she'll respond well to the comment and all will be better afterward.

    Another side of the argument could be that she's trying to tell you that even though she had a hard time deciding- she chose you and maybe she was trying to make you feel special by saying "it was hard, but you are the special one".

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  4. I would say something because I am the type that needs to get things off my chest. That way you know you have said your bit and I know you'll feel better. I'm sorry, but I think it was super rude of her to say that, not once but twice. Like you said, she didn't have to ask you so she should be solid on her decision. Geesh she is luck yo have you, I hope she realizes this! Good luck, hugs.

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  5. You should talk to her and let her know how you feel about that situation!

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  6. I wouldn't say anything. Soon it will be over and it won't matter. I just think it will start a fight or something.

    I don't think it was right of her to say anything to you. The fact is, if she REALLY wanted that friend in the wedding, she would have put her in. She shouldn't be making you feel guilty.

    I hate wedding politics. Who cares. Like really? Just because you had someone in your wedding doesn't mean that they HAVE to put you in theirs. It's not a rule. You choose who you want. And she chose you. But I'm sorry that she is now making you feel bad, especially since I know you have been going out of your way to do a ton of things for her.

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  7. If it's bothering you, I would let her know that you really am honored to be in her wedding and understand how hard it was for her to make the choice. Let her know that you are her friend regardless and that you don't want to feel like she had to choose. It's a sensitive subject so be sensitive if you do bring it up.

    I had some wedding party drama of my own, it's not easy. My two maid-of-honors were at each other's throats. NOT FUN. :(

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  8. That's awful she made you feel that way! I wouldn't say anything. Maybe she doesn't intend to hurt your feelings and really just needed to confide in you!? Hang in there.

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  9. Wow that is quite the dilemma! I honestly don't know what to suggest. I can see both sides. That being said if you do decide to say something to her it would be better to do it now than closer to the wedding.
    I really hope she was just trying to tell you how much she values your friendship, instead of meaning that she felt she HAD to ask you to be in her bridal party.

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  10. Depends how much it is eating away at you...if you aren't able to "brush it under the rug", make it through the time leading up to the wedding and the actual wedding, you should say something in a non-confrontational, constructive sort of way. It is a tricky situation…best of luck, my friend!

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  11. Is she limited to only having one bridesmaid b/c the groom only has one? It does not have to be even, and I truly believe you should have who you want in your wedding. It sounds like she wants both of you, and I would talk to her. I had 2 bridesmaids (actually 2 Matrons of Honor!) and 3 groomsmen. Yes it was a little mispositioned, but I wouldn't of had it any other way. We had our best and closest friends standing up for us and in the end thats what matters. Good Luck :)

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  12. Hmmm, that's a hard one, especially since it's centered around such a big event! Depends on what type of person you are? Would you normally confront someone? On one hand, she might have felt obligated to choose you, but she DID choose you. Her decision. No one forced her to. On the other hand, she did mention her "dilemma" to you, (weird), so you could bring that up in a conversation?
    Just one of those funky situations that can only really be resolved with communication. Good Luck! xoxo

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  13. I hate the 'if someone was in your wedding you should be in there's' rule. So stupid. My 3 bridesmaids + MOH are girls I am genuinely super close to and consider my best friends. Granted I WAS in the one bridesmaid (Eric's sisters) wedding, but even if I hadn't been in her wedding I would want her in mine.

    I think if your friend REALLY wanted the other girl in the wedding she should have asked her. Some wedding parties are HUGE these days - like 10+ people. So I don't think that should have stopped her.

    Maybe she didn't mean anything by those comments and you could be reading too much into it? I obviously don't know her so I have no idea. If she really DID mean something like that by those comments then she NEVER should have said that.

    I definitely don't think you should be feeling this way though. I'm just not sure what my advice would be. I don't know if talking to her is a good idea or not because then it might cause a big fight or be really awkward. I kind of agree with what Crystal said above, it doesn't HAVE to be even so if she really wants this girl in the wedding she should have her. Maybe tell her that but WITHOUT offering to back out. I just think if you offer to back out it might be awkward, but I don't know? Ahhh, this is a tough situation to be in!! I'm sorry you've been feeling that way :(

    (novel comment over now...)

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  14. My advice is to be the best bridesmaid there can be and make her happy that she chose you. Express to her how happy that you are to be apart of her big day. I am a talker. I like to talk my feelings out and make sure everything is warm and fuzzy. It is a tricky situation though because all of this is revolving around a wedding. Possibly wait until she brings it up again and say something right there in the same moment so she doesn't get the the wrong impression. I hope the best for you in this situation!

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  15. It's a TOUGH one... but I think you should say something... Even if it's just to tell her how you feel... Luck hun! :)

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  16. Oo, that is a tough one. I think it really depends on the kind of friendship you have. I have friends in my life that I could say, "you know, when you mentioned having a hard time choosing between me and this other girl, it sort of hurt my feelings" - and the friend would take it well and we could talk through it. Then there are other friends that I KNOW would not be able to take it well... So it's such a tough choice.

    I don't think she would ask you to be part of her day if she TRULY didn't want you to, though. I know it hard to put these feelings aside but try to as much as you can? I think sometimes people don't realize how their comments come off... which is really too bad!

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  17. Touch situation! I would talk to her. If it was me, knowing me, it would drive me crazy until I had to talk about it. If she's a good friend, she'll listen and talk to you about it.

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  18. Yikes... that is awkward.
    A friend of mine getting married next summer is having similar issues... she doesn't have room in the wedding party for all the sisters, med school friends and all her close friends from highschool... but then one of the girls said to her "we should all just be so excited for you, and glad to be there on your big day, you decide what is best for you and we will all be happy for you"
    I think thats realy the only way you can think about it... not bringing it up might bug you forever! and maybe it was the other girl she felt obligated to include and she wanted to talk to you about the awkward situation...

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  19. Hi! Thanks for finding my blog. I see you're doing the Calgary half in May, which will also be my first half. Always nice to be in contact with another Cowtown runner who understands the possibility of a massive snowstorm at the end of May!

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  20. Wow, holy awkwardness.

    First of all--she is rude for even mentioning that. But, well, we all screw up and sometimes say things without thinking, right? So, forgive her for that. She did pick YOU, after all. So, that means that she did want you there--for reasons of obligation of undying friendship, I doubt you will ever really know. But, she did pick you. So, wear the dress, put on a pretty smile and enjoy her big day.

    I really wouldn't worry about it, sweetie. Besides, I am sure you are way cuter and will look better in her wedding pictures :) (oopsies, did I just say that? HA!)

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  21. I'm with D.A.R. - what an awkward situation, and she had no reason to say that to you. That's just hurtful! But she's your friend, probably stressed, so forgive and move on. Put on your gorgeous dress, hold your head high, and try to move on. I'm so sorry!

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